incoherent thoughts

I will be resting from checking in on this account (as well as my other internet accounts save for my yahoomail) for a while.

This, to get back on track on other more substantial things in my life.



Maka at least one month man lang ako nito, I will be celebrating na. Even more if I can do it longer. I'll need to think of what to gift myself with by the end of this month.

If you need me, you know how to reach me.




PM Talk last Friday:  Holy Indifference.


*Ging signs off*

.

I've never been to Palawan.

Some years ago, the whole family got to enjoy Boracay with a few friends as a side trip after a BCBP activity.

All of them except me. T_T

If I remember correctly that was because it was my graduating year and I had to stay in school to meet report and study deadlines.

So now, I am sorely tempted to really already sign up for cheaper tickets to go to Palawan with friends months from now, based on one small sliver of chance that the commitment I already have might be cancelled.


Oh, well...
being optimistic about this, how about
1.) saving instead to make sure that the commitment I already have DOES push through, and
2.) take this as saving Palawan for me for another more meaningful and memorable experience --whatever that might be. :p




.

Go this from Rosa. Heheheh!

----------------------
Welcome to the 2009 edition of getting to know your Friends. press FORWARD '
then change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to your
friends including the person who sent it to you.  The theory is that you
will learn a lot of little things about your friends that you might not have
known!

1. What time did you get up this morning?  7:35 am ...nagtangka pang later... until I remembered I wasn't sleeping at home. Haha!
   
2. Diamonds or pearls? Pearls ...and then someday, hopefully a diamond? Haha!
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?  Bolt!!!!! Ang kyooooooot!
   
4. What is your favorite TV show?  CSI, Chuck, Criminal Minds, Heroes
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? strips of bacon and bread with butter for brunch. I'm not a breakfast person. :p
6. What color shirt are you wearing right now?  a white sleeping garment
   
7. What food do you dislike?  atay and other such lamang loob
   
8. What is your favorite CD at moment?  an audio of Scott and Kimberly Hahn's conversion story
   
9. What kind of car do you drive?  I don't drive yet but I put that on my MUST-DO list for 2009 --sana lang talaga mayari ko na this year. Hehe!
   
10. What characteristic do you dislike?  clingy
    
11. Favorite item of clothing?  jeans
12. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Greece and Israel someday sana
    
13. Favorite brand of clothing? Canadian Club sa pantalon
    
14. Where would you retire to? in a nice, quiet, unpolluted suburb
    
15. What was your most recent memorable birthday?  2008 (look for that post. I posted about it.)
    
16. Favorite sport to watch?  di ako mahilig sa sports, eh
    
17. Furthest place you are sending this? umm... Boni, to Lyra?
    
18. First person you expect to respond?  Carla?
    
19. When is your birthday? Oct.18
20. Are you a morning person or a night person? night! definitely. I'm noctournal.
    
21. What is your shoe size?  5 1/2 to 6
22. Pets?  I love puppies! Tho we have a 4year old Golden Retriever now
    
23. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?  Ms. Ivy spoke to me. ;p
    
24. What did you want to be when you were little? a ballerina --haha! imagine?!
    
25. How are you today? happy. :) giddy. :p
    
26. What is your favorite candy?  tootsie roll! and anything toffee! yum!
    
27. What is your favorite flower?  a pink rose :D
    
28. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Christmas
    
29. What's your full name?  Gerardyn Margarita
    
30. What are you listening to right now?  watching an episode from National Geographic Channel about Einstein's brain
    
31. What was the last thing you ate? pansit with liempo
    
32. Do you wish on stars? not really. I do wish... just not on the stars.
    
33. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? yellow? hehe! favorite eh.
    
34. How is the weather right now? raining
    
35. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? Gela
36. Favorite soft drink? COKE!
37. Favorite restaurant? Josephines, Tagaytay
    
38. Real hair color? dark brown
39. What was your favorite toy as a child? a BabyFace doll named, "So Kissable Laura"
    
40. Summer or winter? summer siguro --lamigin ako, eh. Hehe!
    
41. Hugs or kisses? hugs
42. Chocolate or Vanilla?  Chocolate
43. Coffee or tea?  coffee
44. Do you want your friends to email you back? yes!
    
45. When was the last time you cried?  watching Bolt, haha!
    
46. What is under your bed? dust and slippers na accidentally nasipa ko
    
47. What did you do last night? slept with Melissa :D
    
48. What are you afraid of? dying alone
    
49. Salty or sweet? either. depende sa feel ko. :P
    
50. How many keys on your key ring? 5 house keys and 3 office keys
51. How many years at your current job? 3 counting from March 2006 --wow! almost 4 na pala?! O.O
    
52. Favorite day of the week? friday
53. How many towns have you lived in? 3
54. Do you make friends easily? hhmm... I make acquaintances easily but friends take longer
    
55. How many people will you send this to?  gayahin ko si Rosa...all my contacts on multiply + their contacts... heheheh!
    
56. How many will respond? ewan
57. What did you want for Christmas? I got what I wanted so much that I didn't even expect it. :p
    

Yun lang??? Bitin pala!



.

I was talking with a friend the other night about how this person I know seemed to never run out of something to complain about... and it always felt so heavy having to listen to all of it.

Pero... well, look in the mirror.

I forgot how I used to be the same. And how, much as I have realized how unproductive and heavy that was, old habits take A LOT to break.


I don't want to lapse and go back to being the same person again.



Not by my own strength, but only by His grace.



And thanks to another friend who allowed herself to be His instrument.... :)

..''to get to the other side'' daw ang sabi. I just saw two girls cross the highway as we were driving along the SLEX... I wonder how long it will take 'til this becomes a common thing. Ano baaah! Highways are not for crossing, people! Kaya nga may minimum speed requirement, eh. Drivers are supposed to be able to enjoy the road without worry of running into an indecisive pedestrian. And then, when accidents happen, the driver gets blamed and is plagued by the thought of a life lost of one irresponsible pedestrian. I don't know why this ticked me off to the point that i'm even posting this from my phone. Hay...

Marianne: "How can you be so calm about it Elinor?"
Elinor: "Would it serve any good for me to be agitated? Should I lie sobbing and calling his name? I think it's best not to hope too fervently for something that may never happen."
--Sense and Sensibility, BBC TV Series, 2008

I just finished watching this BBC TV series tonight. Nakakatawa lang... this book has been one of my favorites since highschool but it's just now that it REALLY struck me how both sisters' --Marianne and Elinor's-- situations were so similar. Kaya nga naman "sense and sensibility" ang title ng book, ano? Jane Austen was highlighting how different both sisters approached their similar feelings.

Well, I knew why the book was titled that way but I never really did any reflection over both sisters' characters. 'Only now as I watched it.

And I am determined to approach life also as Elinor did. Not wasting any more of my time in dramatics over situations I can't do anything about, 'feeding my feelings until they become more than what is really there.

I DO love dramatics. I'm a drama queen. 'Reading on my past journal entries all these years is proof of that. I tend to dwell on feelings too much and make mountains out of molehills.


And there is the danger in day dreams.


As I approach 2009 with a better understanding of myself, I lean more on God for the fulfillment of all my longings.

May I be always faithful.

.

...because I was finally able to talk to Mon Samson!

When I met him in RLTC 2008, I wanted so much to approach him and tell him how thankful I was at his being so instrumental in bringing me to the place I am now with the Lord.

My parents met a couple who were Lingkod alumni --> the couple gave my name to Brother Mon --> and he gave my name to Irma who invited me to my first PM.

'That first meeting that made me interested to attend the second... and the second that caught me hook, line, and sinker.

I had been too shy last RLTC to approach him and give him my thanks personally even though I had been given so many opportunities to. Imagine, we were even row-mates on the bus on the way home! But as soon as I realized we were going to be row-mates I darted for the window seat, farthest from where he was sitting, to hide.

I was so shy.

I'm not really sure why I was so shy. Where was it coming from?
I know that in addition to so many other things, a factor is also di rin talaga ako sanay to relate with men, I guess? And maybe as I had come to admire and feel Jesus' reflection in him, I felt ashamed and unworthy to approach Him?


But kanina, I felt "courageous". Hehe!
And finally, as Rosewyn called me to introduce me to him (I didn't even ask her to do that), I felt comfortable enough to talk to him and finally say thanks for his answer to God's call.


I'd like to believe it's all God.

I BELEIVE it's all God.

'That where I was last year is already different from where I am this year in knowing myself more and being confident of myself, as only knowing God loves me could bring.

There is still much I have to learn...has He not proven to me countless times how much MORE I do NOT know about Him and His ways? 'Each time, humbling me and bringing me to a place where I become open to let His will reign in my life instead.




Yes, I am happy tonight. :)



P.s.: Brother Mon Samson is Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon's National Director, and he came to visit our branch PM.

No, I don't mean the song by Beyonce, tho it has a catchy tune to it that makes it LSS-prone.

I was in Powerbooks a while ago, passing time until it was due to meet Dad, and I came accross this one book for singles that starts with a statement of how for every 5 women, there were only 3 men.

I haven't read past those statistics yet... anyway, I bought the book because it's promising to be a good read.

For now lang, if that is the case, that there are more women than men, naisip ko lang (without knowing what the book is getting at, yet) that it seems as if God made it that way because He knew man would need help as only a woman can give,

'The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."' --Genesis 2:18

Sometimes, I tend to concentrate too much on this verse expecting that it means God meant marriage for all. I had been so scared to 'grow old and alone,' and worse... unloved?

But...
"It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

Does that necessarily mean marriage talaga?

Maybe, some men are given the tasks that are greater than only one man can handle, such that he actually needs more than one other person to help him with his assigned ministry? And who better did God create, capable to help man accomplish all he needs to do? Maybe some tasks, God knew, needed two women helping one man?

Thinking about that lang makes me feel happy and cherished that God could have chosen to make me a woman. No feeling of misguided pressure brought by the world for singles to get married.

If I AM meant for singleness, it won't be such a waste if I AM out there serving as God needs me. And it won't be so sad because I am doing what God wanted me to do, what God actually created me for, what He actually placed in my heart to do --even as I may not know it yet.


Bottomline lang I guess talaga is: am I doing what He planned for me? How can I serve Him best? Stick to that and I'll never find myself living a lonely and unloved life, because I'll be enjoying the best love seeing me through: His.



.

When I was young, I used to really wonder which part of the pig, or cow, or, chicken, or fish I was eating. It was so easy to identify the more obvious parts --like its bone, or eyes, or skin. (No, I've never tried to eat eyes.) Beyond that, looking at pictures of the anatomies of these animals from science books made me wonder, "asan kaya yung nangunguya ko? What is it called?"

Until it suddenly dawned on me one day, while looking at a picture of a cow's anatomy from this book about food, that I was eating MUSCLE. That red thing that looked like pulp of a pomelo when under the miscroscope? That's what I was eating.

Sometimes, when I remember that, I still feel amazed.

"Wow! Karne ang kina-kain ko! Meaning, for cannibals, I would look the same on a plate as pork looks to me right now."



Hehe! I was eating porkchop this lunch.
I love grilled porkchops! My favorite!


.

If I truly believe that God has changed me, I have to also believe that others can change because of Him.

If I don't, then it only means that in my heart I still have not fully believed what He has done for me.



I HAVE to believe.



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Sloth is probably the hardest sin I'm working on these days.

It's on my MUST-DO list for 2009, item no.5, "learn to be more responsible with my time."

It's one of the things I realized so much this Christmas because when I go on vacation, it's like my relationship with God also goes on vacation.

I noticed a pattern: It's usually when I find myself with an un-busy day that it happens. At sa sarap ng kama nitong malamig na panahon, ang hirap bumangon. And when I stay in bed till 11am, by the time I do get up, it's time to help with house chores already.

It's the same when I'm on sick leaves.

Isa pa, I just finished watching Season 2 and 3 of Heroes that I got from my cousin. And I think I'll keep from watching Downloaded Series (what's the plural form for that?) for a while. Resisting the urge to watch episodes one after another is just too much temptation for me. I promised myself I'd learn to be more productive this year, stop being a procastinator, and having a full volume of tv-series to watch isn't helping me. I also end up sleeping late.

Sleep late. Wake up late.

It's easier to prioritize God when I wake up with a busy day ahead of me. I wake up with the day planned out and knowing what I need to do. Dahil planado na ang araw pagkagising ko palang, schedules are easier to keep. And since prayer time is part of my schedule --easier to have time for it.

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" --Matt. 16:25-26

This verse still always makes an impact on me in a way that I always tend to think about how I can't seem to let go of my desire for my comforts. Hirap ako in growing more in my relationship with God because I can't let go of my preference for "rest" even when there are so many productive things I could do and are waiting for me.

I read somewhere that everything we are, the way we act towards something, is triggered from an emotion originating from our experiences as kids and while growing up. And only by God's grace are negative memories healed.

I feel like I'm making excuses for what I am when in truth, it really is my responsibility to take charge of changing for the better.

I just continue to pray that God keeps with me through this year and really help me in my efforts.

I know I can do it.

He's done it for me before. I remember I STILL had to struggle. He didn't just remove it overnight. But because I cooperated with Him, I just suddenly realized myself one day finally free of a habit learned from years back.

So... 


Lord, help me.



.

I'm watching Journey to the Edge of the Universe on the National Geographic Channel. I get fascinated thinking about the possibilities that Man can someday migrate to another planet. I hear that's one of the things scientists are looking into right now.

But watching, a thought occurred to me:

We survived Earth for so many years through evolution. From primitive man living in caves and learning how to use fire for the first time, to becoming a fashion conscious being, spending most of our lives dependent on gadgets that make life easier and on processed food that's supposedly stripped of all things --even the remotely harmful to our health.

If we are thinking of possibly living on another undeveloped planet from our solar system (another young Earth) we'll have to add to the equation, I think, making that Planet ready to give the same comforts Man took years and years to build and get himself used to.

I'm just not talking about the materialistic side of things... what about food?



It would really be something to witness that we'll someday have already figured out how to introduce a complex being, who has undergone centuries of evolution, to survive a young undeveloped planet who has never experienced life yet.

...I suddenly had a cartoonish-vision of Mother Earth literally being a mother to children she has birthed to and grown for millions of years.

Just one post for vanity...

My skin is so dry! Huhu! I know it's my fault. I love buying skin care stuff but have never been the type to diligently use them. I admit... tamad lang talaga ako. :p

Still...

My skin is so dry.... huhuhu!

It's so cooooold!

I was thinking a while ago that, this year, one of the things I'll try to discipline myself to is drinking lots of water. 

A friend of the family gave my parents two audio tapes, one of Scott Hahn and another of his wife, Kimberly, speaking about their conversion story to the Roman Catholic Church. 'How study about doctrine itself eventually led them to it.

It's been really nice and such an eye opener. Admittedly, there are a lot of things about my own faith that I do not yet understand.

We took a theology class last 2005 in Ateneo with our parents and one of the many things Fr. Vic Salanga impressed me with was how study about one's faith is not supposed to stop as soon as I graduated from school.

"What we try to encourage people to is to learn the truths about their own faith first so that they can make adult decisions about whether or not they think what their faith believes in is right."  I think that was what Fr. Vic said.

'To learn the core of it and not just rely on perceptions formed from listening to others who are also just expressing their own opinions and perceptions about something.

'To take responsibility about learning what I ACTUALLY believe in.

I admire the Hahn couple. How dedicated they were to study about their faith. 'How serious they were about really learning about God.

I am even more in awe of Kimberly, who didn't leave the study up to her husband, but really had a love for God to pursue it herself.



What have I done lately to learn about my faith?




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This is a fun meme. I found this while reviewing posts I made from previous years and thought it would be fun to update (updates in black font).

• If you call me Langging, you're my Mom, Tita Edit or our company Shift-in-Charges.
• If you call me Gingging, you're a classmate from highschool.
• If you call me just plain Ging, you're somebody I got to know anytime from college until the present.
• If you call me Jing, you don't really know how to pronounce my name.
• If you call me Ge, you're a nun or novice from Mary Help.
• If you call me GM, you're a distant cousin or relative whose only memory of me was in pictures my parents sent of me when I was born, or of the few family reunions we've had.
• If you call me Jodie, you're my sister Amari's barkada from highschool.
• If you call me Gerardyn, you don't really know me that well, or you're Orlan (Hehehe!).
• If you call me Dindin, YOU SHOULD HAVE YOU'RE EARS CLEANED! You have probably been wondering where the Ging came from.
• If you call me Ms. Sabas, you're one of my block mates from college.
• If you call me Sunshine, you're Mr. Sanga, my Visuals teacher from Architecture (I drew a portrait for his class which looked more like Sunshine Cruz than it did me.)
• If you call me Ms. IE, you're Mr. Enghoy, our Architecture Math teacher in MIT.
• If you call me Ate Gen (short for Ate General), you're one of my sisters.
• If you call me Ate Ging, you're one of my sisters, Janice, or somebody younger who thinks I'm oldER.
• If you call me Geden!, you're the five year lod version of my sister Amari. Haha!
• If you call me Marge, you're Alex Andal or one of his friends.
• If you call me Margarita, you're Alex Andal, or Sr. Margarita, my Prep teacher.

-----------
Yun lang. Not much, but it was fun reviewing it. :D Hehe!

[ Posted Oct. 3, 2003,  6:02 pm on my LiveJournal:

"I believe that you should serve the Lord at the peak of your career. God gave me a wonderful toy; my career. 'Who am I to...? It's like I (the Dad), gave you (my child) a toy, and then the moment I ask an errand of you, you say, "wait, I'm still playing with what you gave me." I don't mean to ask for something in return but still...

When the Lord calls, we should follow. When will you be ready? The time to be ready may never come!" --Daddy, on our way to the office this morning.

I love my Dad! Everytime I almost lose sight of my vision, he is the light that reminds of what should be my true purpose, my destination, my goal. ^^

I've made my decision... Thanks, Dad. ]

--------------
That was about the time I decided way back to already join BCBP (as it was the only Community I knew); 'say yes to God's invitation.

Heh! 'Took me four years before actually making the step.


Still, God waited patiently.

I attended the 35th Grand Homecoming of our Alma Mater, Mary Help of Christians, Canlubang.

And I am really ashamed to say that I was initially undecided if I would attend or not. Number one reason is that, being STILL shy of crowds, I was scared of having to mingle and exert effort in striking conversations with people ---I am an extrovert with really rusty interpersonal skills.

But then, nahiya naman akong hindi pumunta since our house is so near, we even share a fence with the school.



It was sad. Of the so many past pupils expected to arrive, ang konti lang talaga ng dumating. Sa batch namin, apat lang, even.

After seeing all the preparations the school did to make this a memorable party for us, (there was a presentation from the present pupils to show us that these are the kids now, there was a presentation from the teachers, the Sisters...) nahiya ako sa sarili ko.

I realized it was so selfish of me to not want to attend the homecoming. Sure! I have a string of unhappy memories of school. But I'm not there because of the people or myself, am I? I'm there to give thanks to the SCHOOL that shaped me to be who I am now.

And having found the joy of knowing the Lord now, I can't help but realize that it was much because of the kind of soil the school gave the seed planted in us children, an opportunity to grow and be cultivated in.

How can I not give thanks and appreciation for that?
How could I have thought of passing up the chance to tell Sr. Yoli, Sr. Christine, Sr. Pinky, and Sr. Cynthia thanks for all they have done for me? Sayang nga wala dun si Sr. Marita.
How could I have selfishly thought of prefering not to attend when these Sisters needed me to tell them how much their love for me made a big difference in my life?

As much as I need people to tell me, "you are loved and appreciated, Ging," so do others also need the same from me. And so am I also called to extend God's love and affirmation to them and tell them, "your life is not going unnoticed."


I've decided that for Christmas, I am writing these sisters a letter to tell them how much they meant to me.

I love our parents very much.
And I love this family that they have given me and my sisters.
I am always very thankful for the kind of parents He has given us, three sisters.
Honestly, there was a time --as in the life of most adolescents-- when I declared that I "hated" them because they did not understand me. I was made different from all other kids my age because of the kind of culture we had at home --different from the general way of the world.

Ngayon ko lang na-realize what a great BIG blessing my parents are and have ALWAYS been.

"Happy ako sa family natin. Natutuwa ako na sila Mommy sila Mommy," our fouteen year old sister, Biel, confided in me last weekend when we both went out. Natutuwa ako that even Biel is able to say that now. She's more mature than she realizes.

And so it was no wonder, I guess, that when the suggestion of hosting an overnight for 20 friends last November was brought up, I said yes kaagad without realizing the kind of work it would take for me --whose never been a host to anything before-- to do. (Thankfully, these guys were such good guests, naman.)

I was excited to have people over at our home so I could share with them the kind of home our parents very lovingly put together for all of us. (And nanaba ang puso ko at all your comments, friends. Thank you!)

I am proud of our family. And I love telling people about our parents.
It's how much I am always so thankful to God for them.

And yet...

Sometimes, I wonder if all this pride is not actualy a mask of how inadequate I feel inside.
Maybe, at some point, the reason I keep putting my family on the spotlight is so that I could hide in the shadows.





Anyway, either way, I'm STILL really thankful for the kind of parents He has given us.
Someday, I just hope I could find myself to be the kind of girl they are raising us to be.

 

"But as the blessings of God follow generational lines, so also do the consequences of wrongdoing and ungodly choices."
--pg. 9, Introduction, Strangers at Stonewycke, book no.1 of The Stonewycke Legacy, by authors Michael Phillips and Judith Pella

I read this book back when I was still in highschool. It was a gift from my Tito Drigo and his family. And though it did not look so interesting (I could almost read "boring" written with the title or hidden in the art), somehow it drew to me.

And after reading, I will remember this as one book that spoke much to my heart. Not in words, really ---I don't even remember the plot very well. But reading it filled something inside me that was longing for something I did not yet understand at that time, but wanted so much to.

I was already searching for God then, wanting so much to believe that beleiving in Him would give me the happy life I've always wanted.

It's a Christan book. And the introduction continues on pg.10 with the following lines,
"Yet in the mystery of God's purpose, in James's own daughter rose the strong desire to give her life to the Almighty plan. Such yeilding, however, never comes easy. Battle raged within the soul of the young Maggie Duncan---the conflict found in her Ramsey bloodline was illustrative of the essential human condition. Indeed, the future of the family's heritage was at stake. Her laying down of self, and her prayers for the future of the Ramsey/Duncan lineage, rekindled for a new era the prayers begun through her ancestors, enabling the blessings of God to pass to new generations through her granddaughter Joanna."

I don't know why I suddenly remembered this book while I was taking my lunchtime rest.
Maybe it was the part of me that wanted so much to really LEARN to hate sin and realize how TRULY it draws me away from God.
Maybe it was a part of me that wanted so much to love my God but still found it hard to find reason to hate some sins.
There was a prayer I asked God some time ago... Lord, teach me to really see sin as something that draws me away from You, and so hate it with my whole being.

Remembering this book, if fearing for the damnation of my soul is not enough,
then realizing how I will be passing it down our family line should be more than enough.

But most of all...
Teach me, Lord, to love You. Really love You.
And in loving you, naturally draw my heart towards anything that brings me closer to You,
much more than my tendency to be tempted by anything opposite of Your love.

If "blood trully is thicker than water". Then may I always bear my family in mind in all that I do and in my love for God.

I've been away from the major part of community activities for two weeks now because of this persistent cold that always threatens a relapse everytime i exert more effort... And being away from the usual weekly activities that have already made their way into my routine for more than a year now, napaisip lang ako kagabi.. How much of my spirituality is real... away from Community? Does my relationship, devotion, and love for God remain the same even when i am away from it all?